S1/ E2: The Funeral Home Experience

From the moment I entered the Funeral Home until the time I exited, I was left with a lasting impression of the "business" of funerals. On top of being there because my child had died, the experience was one that I hope no parent will need to go through, even though I know it happens every single day to someone.

Transcript

Bruce: 0:34

Welcome to Don't Forget to Breathe. I'm your host, Bruce Barker. This is episode two. It's called the Funeral Home Experience. As I mentioned in the previous episode, and will again in this one, I'm going to be talking about a pretty raw experience. This one being in the funeral home. And it might be a little too much for you, depending on where you are in your journey. If you've experienced this, it might hit a little too close to home. And if you don't feel that you want to listen to this, go ahead and skip ahead to the next episode. For those of you that might be walking beside someone who's going through this, this could give you a little bit of insight on what they might be feeling. As I left off at the end of episode one, Terry, Kristen's uncle, had said it was time to go to the funeral home. So the drive there, as you might expect, was a quiet one. At least it was quiet until we arrived in the parking lot. And then Kristen's mom began saying, I can't do this. I just can't do this. And Terry and others in the car continued to reassure her that she could and that she had to. She looked at me then, and then she said it again, I can't do this. And as much as that voice in my head was screaming the same thing that she was saying, I somehow still managed to come out with we have to. Certainly not what I was feeling at the time. I'm not even sure where it came from, but there it was. I couldn't back down now. I'd even committed both of us to do this. So she reluctantly nodded her head and we got out of the car and began walking toward the door. And one thing I recall about that walk very clearly is that my legs seemed like they weighed about 500 pounds each. Um, once we got to the door and passed through, we were immediately greeted by the funeral home directors. The family that owned and operated the funeral home had done so for many years, and I even went to school with the sons, who were now running the I guess the quote unquote family business. Um so it was it was all just a bit of an odd feeling. So they escorted us to a room with a big conference table. We all took our seats and it began. What took place was it was just awful and uncomfortable. Um Terry kept things going when we were being asked question after question. Um they were just simply gathering information that they needed to put in Kristen's obituary. Name of the parents, the brothers or sisters, surviving grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles. I mean, it just kept going on. And then they asked, had we decided who would preside over the funeral, and naturally we told them that it was Terry. And then who would be pallbearers? And again, one question after another. And then came a really uh what felt like to me was a really staggering question. And they asked, what day do you want the funeral? Well, I don't want it on any day. I mean, I don't want it at all. I don't even want to be here. But we had to discuss that. You know, who was coming? Um, when could they get here? All the logistics, and frankly, I didn't care. Um, I didn't want to do any of this. I still couldn't put my head around the fact that Kristen was gone. But reluctantly we decided that the funeral would be Saturday, the viewing would be Friday, and today was Thursday. And then the questions started again. Had we thought about music? Did we want a family car? Do we have a cemetery plot picked out? I mean, a cemetery plot? Are you kidding me? I mean, my daughter was 20 years old. Why would I have a cemetery plot picked out for her? And then it hit me. We have to go pick one somewhere. And about that time, Terry spoke up and told us that a pastor at a small church just outside of West Monroe had offered a family plot in the church's small private cemetery, free of charge. Um, I didn't know what to say or even think. Kristen's mom and I just looked at each other and neither of us had an answer. So Terry told us we could decide all that later. So after numerous questions and decisions about all the particulars surrounding the arrangements, at least what I thought were all the particulars, the funeral director said we would have to go pick out a casket. You gotta be kidding me. No, I that is not what I wanted to do. But he had us get up and follow him. So we left our room and entered another doorway, which led to the casket room, as best I can call it. Any strength I had left felt like it just went away at that very moment when when he opened the door and I saw all those caskets set up in that room. Um, it was like someone punched me in the stomach again. Kristen's mom and I just held on to each other at this point and started walking really slowly around the room. One of the most stark and lasting impressions of that room that I recall were small price cards that were set up on each casket. I mean, price cards. The price was for the casket only, or with a liner, or a complete funeral package. You know, maybe this seems normal to you, and and I get it, the funeral industry is necessary and it is a business and needs to show a profit. But at that particular time, it felt like we were on a used car lot. I mean, we didn't have life insurance for our 20-year-old daughter and didn't have deep pockets, so it seemed as if we were putting a price on our daughter's worth. I mean, it was truly a sickening feeling. And as we continued to move through that room, we came across a casket that, as strange as it sounds, actually caught our eye. I mean, I'm just I'm not sure if that's the right way to describe that moment. I guess maybe a better way to say it is that we saw one that just felt as right as a feeling like this could feel. So that's the one we chose. Then back to the room with the conference table, and the final arrangements were made. The funeral director left the room and then returned in a few minutes with a total price. And what he said was the best we can do is six thousand nine hundred and seventy-nine dollars. The best we can do. I mean, it was it just seemed like a strange statement. And again, that feeling of valuing my daughter, like negotiating a price of a car, all those unpleasant thoughts just were rising from the pit of my stomach. And I mean, who knew a funeral would cost $7,000? I mean, not me. My dad's funeral had been prearranged and and prepaid for years. So as I I start to digest the amount, then came the statement, and we'll need half down to begin the arrangements. The balance will be due in 30 days from the funeral. Okay, granted, this is a business. But when someone is feeling the way we were feeling at that particular time, this was just a cold shock to an already shocked system. Kristen's mom looked at me and said, I don't have that kind of money, do you? Normally my answer would have been no, but it happened that I had money in my business account from the Veil Across tournament that Kristen had just helped me with in Colorado just a couple of weeks before. I mean, technically, it wasn't even my money, it was money that my business owed for product from that event. But what choice did I have? I I only had personal checks with me, and the director said I could use the computer in his office and access my account and just transfer the money. So he led me to his computer, I transferred the money and wrote them a check for half of the total cost. So right around $3,500. And then back to the room we went, and I guess you could say the deal was complete. So it I'm sure it seems that I'm I'm frustrated with how it all went down. But given my mental state of the time, I don't see any other logical reaction. Um if I can offer any advice to anyone you know with children, or you, if you have children, it would be this no matter how young the child or children are, get life insurance on them. Or at the very least, as dark as it might sound, get a burial policy established. I mean, do it now. No one should ever have to go through the ordeal that we did and then be asked to make a half down deposit. So just take care of it. I mean, just take care of it now and pray that you'll never see the day you need to use it, and then just don't think about it again. So with everything concluded that we needed to do at that time, I asked if Kristen was in the funeral home. And they told me she was and asked if I'd like to see her, and of course I said I would. They told me to wait while they brought her in to the chapel. So they told me that she was just on a gurney and covered in a sheet. Um, but I didn't care. I just wanted to see my daughter. So we made our way into the hallway and and in just a few minutes they came out and said I could go in. I told those that were with me there that I just wanted to go in alone, just to give me a few minutes with her by myself. And I opened the door, I looked down the aisle to see my daughter, her body covered in a white sheet, and tears began just flowing uncontrollably as I started putting one foot in front of the other, moving down the aisle of the chapel. I just kept shaking my head, no. This simply couldn't be real. This could not be happening. This is not how I last saw her. I mean, when I saw her last, she was laughing and waving by to me in Denver, full of life, like full of hope, full of dreams, so much life ahead. That's what I saw in my daughter the last time I saw her, but it's not what I saw now. I stepped up to her and started stroking her hair, and I just kept repeating, you know, that this isn't right and it can't be happening. And telling her she can't be gone. And I stayed with her for a while. I honestly don't remember if anyone came in or or I just left. But the next thing I recall is being in the hallway again, and and then the topic came up of picking out clothes for Kristen for the viewing the next day. And then I remembered Kristen got several dresses while she was in Denver with me, and and one in particular that I knew she really liked. So that meant it was time to go get her things from where she'd been living since she returned to Monroe. And that was a task that I did not relish. So I'll stop for now. And I know that that's a lot to take in and a lot to process, and I'll just leave that with you. And as we move forward into the next episode, I'm going to tell you a story about my experience after the funeral, and one that has inspired this podcast, a part of this story that offers that first tiny glimmer of hope for me. So until next time, take care of the city.