Who Am I After Child Loss -E443

Who were you before your child died? And who have you become since?

In this deeply personal conversation, Bruce Barker and Kristin Glenn explore one of the most profound realities of child loss: the person you were before your child died no longer exists.

Together, they reflect on how grief reshapes identity, relationships, priorities, purpose, and even the way we experience the world. They talk about losing not only a son or daughter, but also the future they imagined, the confidence they once carried, and the version of themselves they thought they would always be.

They also discuss the unexpected qualities that emerge through grief, deeper compassion, greater authenticity, a different understanding of success, and a renewed desire to help others, while acknowledging they would trade every lesson learned for one more moment with their children.

Throughout the episode, Bruce and Kristin invite listeners to pause and consider difficult but important questions:

• What parts of yourself do you miss?
• What parts of yourself are you proud of?
• How have your priorities changed?
• What would your child recognize in the person you've become?

If you've ever looked in the mirror after child loss and wondered, "Who am I now?" this conversation reminds you that you're not alone. Grief changes us, but it doesn't end our story. Together, we continue learning how to carry both who we were and who we are becoming.

Transcript

Welcome And The Central Question

SPEAKER_00 0:45

Welcome to Don't Forget to Breathe. I'm Bruce Barker, here with my co-host, Kristen Glenn. As every listener knows, to the core, losing a child changes everything. We usually think about how it changes our family, our marriages, our friendships, and our future. But today we're talking about something even more personal. It changes us forever. Many brief parents quietly wonder, who am I now? The things that mattered before don't seem as important. The person you used to be can feel like someone you barely recognize. Sometimes that realization is frightening. Sometimes it's lonely. Sometimes you wonder if you'll ever feel like your old self again. I believe the answer to that is no. Today we're talking honestly about becoming a different person after child loss. Who am I now? Hey Kristen, how are you?

SPEAKER_01 1:48

I'm alright today. How are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 1:51

Well, I'm either getting a cold or getting over a cold. I'm not really sure, so my voice sounds a little funky. So it could be a voice that's like, ooh, or it could be a ooh. I have no idea how it's gonna come across tonight. So just go with that. So I'll try not to have any coughing fits. So we're talking about after child loss, who am I? I know we've talked briefly about that in some previous episodes, but tonight is a focus on that. And I guess the question is if someone asked you to describe yourself before your child died, who was that person? And who was that person for you? I'll ask you that.

SPEAKER_01 2:36

For me to reflect on that.

SPEAKER_00 2:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:38

On myself. You know, I feel like before Zach died, I was I felt like life had a pretty predictable path. I felt like if you put really good things into the world, you were probably gonna have a pretty, pretty good life. I was very future

Who We Were Before They Died

SPEAKER_01 2:54

focused, very practical, super busy and social, and my career meant a lot to me. I don't know if I met that former Kristen if I even recognize her as a version of myself. She was so different. How about for you?

SPEAKER_00 3:15

I was a lot more carefree. And um, I kept thinking about the future and and planning ahead. I I you know, I assumed tomorrow was coming, and I took a lot of things for granted. I took time for granted, I took joy for granted. The business that I was growing, I was focused on that, and and it was its own little path. Definitely not who I am today, and how that got completely changed. I mean, just like that.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Yeah. I often reflect on a thought, especially recently. I've been thinking a lot about the fact that I don't believe only Zach died that day. I feel like a a a version of myself definitely died at that exact moment. I feel like my my identity was certainly shattered. I didn't feel needed anymore. I didn't I feel like my confidence in life in myself really disappeared. As a mother, I thought I could protect

When Identity And Safety Shatter

SPEAKER_01 4:31

my child and that was shattered. My feelings of safety for those that I loved. It was interesting. I cared more intensely about the safety of those I love and less about my own safety than I did before.

SPEAKER_00 4:50

I can relate to that. I mean, afterwards, there was definitely for me a feeling of I don't care what happens to me.

SPEAKER_01 4:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:00

And and thinking, but doing that thinking only of me. I wasn't thinking about like my my mom was still alive at that time. I wasn't thinking about you know how it would affect her. And I'm not talking about taking my own life. I'm just saying, like, hey, if something happened, it happened. Right. And I didn't really care.

SPEAKER_01 5:20

Yeah. Yeah. How'd you feel as far as how you fit into your past friendships, your past role after Kristen died? Did those patterns, did those relationships feel altered, or your place in those relationships feel shifted?

SPEAKER_00 5:39

Completely nothing fit. I was coaching, coaching Girls Lacrosse at the time, and didn't know if I wanted to do it again. I didn't know if I wanted to be around 25 daughters because they were high school.

Friendships Shift And Small Talk Fails

SPEAKER_00 5:55

Wow. It was high school players. And friends didn't really know they didn't know what to do with me, and I didn't really know what to do with them, and at that at that time also I didn't care that much. Because you're you're right, I didn't fit. Yeah. Like there wasn't a a community like like we have now and that we've talked about where people get it, no one got it. Not at all. And conversations were super shallow. No one wanted to go deep. Because that's just something that I believe they feared. If someone asked me, I would have probably let them know. Not so much maybe to unburden myself, but just to go, fine, you want to know? Here you go. See if you can handle it. Right. You know, it so there was so there was a little bit of resentment, I think, and and I know anger and frustration. Yeah, conversations were just pretty shallow. What about you?

SPEAKER_01 7:08

Yeah, boy, I remember that. And I, you know, I think that's something this many years later that has has stayed with me. My kind of tolerance for being involved with conversations that are really shallow or being consumed by drama that seems really not to be impactful to our lives, that intolerance has definitely stayed with me. I I just don't have a lot of time or energy for it. And I think I used to kind of be able to immerse myself in those kind of chitter-chatter type of conversations, and I'm increasingly aware of how bad I am at those. You know, I just if people really don't want to talk about how they're truly doing or how life really is going, I really welcome them to talk amongst themselves. And I just know that I won't be a very good contributor to that. So probably fewer of those friendships, but I've held dear to some of those old friends. I have deeper friendships, but probably less of the fluff relationships. Just don't really need to expend that energy that I used to not view as finite. You know, I think that's definitely something that changed. I felt like in my twenties I had infinite energy for whatever anybody was up for, you know. So I was definitely a a yes gal. Whatever, whatever adventure or chitter-chatter or whatever, count me in. And now I'm really selective, intentional, picky, you know, about where where my energy goes, because I feel like I have so much less since I've been grieving.

SPEAKER_00 8:56

Yeah, I was I also noticed that I just stopped caring about a lot of things that everybody else was consumed over. So for me, I can say sports, right? So I would, you know, weekends were sports. I'm watching everything. I'm I want to dive deep in so I can have the conversations. So I can talk about it and be I know the insights. I tell you the stats, I know what's happening over here, I know about that trade. And after that, I could not have cared less. Yeah. Over the years, the things that do matter, that's what sticks. So for me, yeah, I love golf. That hung around. I didn't play for the longest time. But all the other stuff, you know, and I still get questions, you know, even today, hey, did you see the game this weekend? I'm like, what game? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, just didn't and and and I listen to conversations and and they literally are consumed by this. And it's fluff for me.

SPEAKER_01 10:12

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's a good example, I think. Certainly. I think the topics seem uh inconsequential. And then also the thing, the drama that I think unfortunately sometimes my gender is more prone to. I just don't have the patience for that. I just it's interesting to witness uh myself uh not uh wanting anything to do with that. And I think that then eliminates some relationships because it defines many a relationship, unfortunately. It's just the who said what type of situation. And um I f I feel like the like I said, the friendships and relationships I have are really profound, full of compassion, but I'm much more willing to walk away than I was back then.

SPEAKER_00 11:09

For me, as it's narrowed, right? There was a broad group that I could have quote unquote relationships with based on whatever that subject was we were talking about. And now it's narrowed into that the conversations mean something. Um certainly more empathetic and and have more compassion, but the priorities have completely shifted and the relationships shifted. And I'm okay with that.

SPEAKER_01 11:41

Yeah. And for me, if I would have been asked what success was 30 years ago, my uh definition would be certainly very different. I I don't think those things would match up at all now to if someone asked me what is success in your life, what matters? How do you know you've lived a good life at the end of it all? I don't think my answers would have aligned very well from the pre-Christian and the post-Christan. Yeah. You know. And I think it's different than any other loss. I was reflecting on this, like I've had

Time Becomes Precious And Priorities Change

SPEAKER_01 12:14

losses that I'm super sad about. You know, I miss my dad, I miss my grandma, I miss people in my life that even due to estrangement are gone. But there's something about child loss that marks the before and after of self that I don't think for me isn't reflected in other losses. I was the same before the day my dad died and after. He taught me a lot of great lessons. He was a wonderful man. But my Christian self or identity was the same the moment his death occurred pre-imposed. But I think there is a a marking of the versions of ourself that's different for child loss. I think anyone that's gone through child loss would relate to this conversation of that before version and that after version, that marking in time of what we were before versus after. For me, it certainly has uh been different.

SPEAKER_00 13:16

Definitely. You know, the things that I chased before Kristen died, they just don't hold the same value. Yeah anymore. And I believe you you know you've already said that. Does that that hold true for you as well?

SPEAKER_01 13:30

Oh my gosh, yeah. You know, my surviving children will tease me sometimes when they're unwrapping a gift and they'll say, It's not gonna be really a gift, it's gonna be another experience. You know, I mean, I just I I don't give much in the possession of gifts. It really is what are we gonna go do together? You know, what what experience can we have together? So it's something that people that know me well know that that's what speaks to me is give give me your time. Nothing matters more to me than how can we truly spend some some real time together.

SPEAKER_00 14:07

Because now time is far more precious.

SPEAKER_01 14:11

Oh, it's ticking away.

SPEAKER_00 14:14

And we're so much more like I can say I'm so much more aware of it than I used to be. And the relationships, the true relationships matter more. Success means something completely different to me now than what it did before.

SPEAKER_01 14:31

Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 14:33

It is. And definitely, like you said, it's experiences that you take you take with you to a degree. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting how our value system adjusts completely. No, you you mentioned, you know, you you died. We died, right, when that happened as well. My point comes up that there was a grandparent that I was talking to who had lost a grandchild, and they were kind of struggling with they were trying to put their finger on some things, and and it was their daughter that was the mom, and I said, You need to realize that your daughter died too. You lost your daughter. You've lost a child in a different way. She will never be the same person again. You're going to get to know someone new,

Family Grieves The Old You Too

SPEAKER_00 15:30

someone different. So that old version, that relationship that you had with that person, it ended when her child died.

SPEAKER_01 15:39

Boy, I think you offered her such important insight when you told her that because, you know, I reflect on my parents when Zach died, and I finally realized that their grief had this double layer to it of where where are you? Are you when are you coming back? You know, as far as their daughter. And and I remember being really short with my mom one time. She was always the brunt of that. You know, I protected my dad, and then my mom got all the great snarkiness, which was unfortunate. Sorry, mom, about that. But um, you know, I remember her saying, she's gone. Stop looking for her. She's gone. And you may not like this new one, but this is all I got to offer. And that, you know, that's I had to put it out there for her to just be that clear of stop waiting for me to return. There'll be glimmers, there'll be parts of me that you recognize, but I don't recognize myself. And there's no way she's coming back. Because how could I believe that life was going to be fair and predictable? And if I put good things out, all good things would come back, and that my career was so important. I mean, how how could I return to that? That that takes away from the profoundness of what was lost. If I could return to that, and there's parts of her that I miss, and there's parts of her that I'm so glad aren't part of me anymore. And I think that's that's one of the things that is a struggle is to think of, as we've said before, the gifts of this, right? Yeah. Gifts of of being able to truly hold space for others, of having that extra compassion and empathy. You and I both know we would give up all of those traits in a millisecond if we could have our children in our arms.

SPEAKER_00 17:39

A hundred percent. What I do now, I mean, I can look

The Gifts We Would Trade Back

SPEAKER_00 17:44

at it and go, because we've both heard this directly from people that that have listened to the podcast, that have been in our groups, whatever it is, and the impact that we've had on them, I'd give it up. I'd be like, sorry.

SPEAKER_01 18:01

Absolutely. I'm sure someone else can help you, but it won't be me because I'm living this carefree life where I think bad things happen to others, in quotation mark. The others out there, and then we became the others.

SPEAKER_00 18:15

Yeah, like who I would be, I have no idea. But I would have my daughter here. That's right. I know for a fact you and I would have never met. We wouldn't be doing this because the only reason we met and started this was because of what we experienced when our children died. So, yeah, if someone offered me my old life back with my child alive, I trade every lesson I've learned. And I've learned a lot. Right. Yes, I believe I am a better person inside and how I treat other people. I would give all that up. Oh, and and for me, I know whether I mean I'm not that hard to find. I know I've mentioned, and it's in our it's in probably the profile, you know, that I work for a major airline. So the benefits that have come from that, I've been able to, when it comes to experiences, so I've been able to travel to Japan and and Mexico and Belize and London and Portugal and Rome. And I would give it all up. Give it all back. Yeah. To never being able to travel outside of the country. Give it all if I had her back. I don't think there's a single parent out there that wouldn't.

unknown 19:43

No.

SPEAKER_01 19:45

No. So it is it it's incongruent in our brains to talk about, you know, who we are now. And I certainly don't want to paint myself as someone that doesn't have such incredible flaws because they're countless. And, you know, I am impatient with lacking in authenticity. You know, I don't want the fluff. I am an a very emotional person. And there's part of me that wishes I had a Teflon coating still. You know, I feel like I had some Teflon coding when I was so that driven, career-minded, carefree, naive, whatever you want to call it,

Living Without Emotional Teflon

SPEAKER_01 20:24

20-year-old, 26-year-old. It hurts to live in this world without some Teflon. But I never grew mine back. You know, it's it's just to be that vulnerable, it's I think it's courageous for people to be vulnerable, but it's it's hurtful because you're really so open to being hurt and to be deeply impacted by by others.

SPEAKER_00 20:48

I agree. I I also think that things that might have rocked us before don't. So it's a different kind of maybe a different kind of Teflon. So that's a good point. Like when my mom died, this was after Kristen. Hit me way differently than when my dad died when Kristen was still alive. Wow, that's interesting. It was less, there was less of the gut punch. And those who so we may have listeners that are, you know, that listen because they're supporters of someone else. And so that may not it might be hard to wrap your head around. But it doesn't. When my brother died, like, okay. And I'm not being callous, it just doesn't hit the same when you've had the unimaginable happen.

SPEAKER_01 21:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:42

I mean, there's there's still parts of my old self that I miss. Yeah, and some of that is, like you said, the naivete of it's gonna be great tomorrow.

SPEAKER_01 21:52

Why wouldn't it be?

SPEAKER_00 21:54

And then some spontaneous laughter.

SPEAKER_01 21:56

Absolutely. And why wouldn't the next day be even better? And of course we're gonna have next week and the next week and the next year so we can plan.

SPEAKER_00 22:07

Planning. Yeah. I certainly spend more time in the present and in the moment, and far less time planning.

SPEAKER_01 22:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:18

You know, listeners will ask you the question if you just want to pause for a second to try to answer this. What parts of yourself do you miss? So just think about. That. Write it down if you need to. Think about it for later. We become someone new.

SPEAKER_01 22:44

Man, when you said that, I was thinking about answering that question for myself. And could I pick one or

Questions To Help You Reflect

SPEAKER_01 22:52

two of those qualities and try to seek them out? Could I work on them? Are they just gone? Certainly some are. Trusting, carefreeness, maybe naive that bad things happen to really good people. But I think I think that's interesting to think of is there more of my past self emerging a bit as as time passes since the loss of my child or or not? And can I intentionally seek out some of those things that are kind of in the in-between versions of myself? You know? I don't know. Something to think about. Yeah. Yeah. I I know people often just say, I want my old life back. And I I totally, totally get that. I've also realized that she doesn't exist. And it's not because I've failed, it's because this loss of my son has changed me. And I didn't get control over that. And it's okay. It would be, I think, quite odd if I was the same person.

SPEAKER_00 24:00

I can say I would only want my old life back if Kristen were in it. Right. I am a much, much better person at the core now than I was before. It may sound odd to say, but I I have a really good life now. Which again I would give up in a heartbeat. Right. And some of that is because of what has happened in that I look at what I can do for other people? How can I help those who are experiencing the same thing that we've experienced?

SPEAKER_01 24:38

Right.

SPEAKER_00 24:39

Knowing we can't fix it, but just communicating what we have learned over this time. Maybe it takes the edge off. Maybe. I don't know, but it's yeah, just about helping others. Which is why we do the podcast, which is why we started the foundation. It's about other people. That part, I am happy, is part of me. Because I don't think the old person would have done too much of that. Not the old Bruce.

SPEAKER_01 25:11

No, me neither. I would have shied away from this topic. I've been so scared to have a discussion around losing your child because it's my worst nightmare.

unknown 25:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:23

And, you know, here you are. And we're just learning to carry who we who we have become.

SPEAKER_00 25:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:29

And there's definitely parts of both versions of myself that I like and don't like. I don't I don't have as clear a vision as you do that I'm a better person. I just am a very different person. There's definitely parts of that other Kristen that I'd I'd sure like her to be in my life. Some, you know.

SPEAKER_00 25:52

Well um, you know, I will say that that my awakening on that was through a lot of therapy and a lot of work. This isn't just I came up with this on my own and I had a sudden revelation. There was a lot of work that went into it and a lot of really good people that helped. Let's ask some questions of the listeners. And feel free to come back to this segment of the podcast if you need to. But just so that we can ask you, as you can ask yourself, what has changed about you? What part of yourself do you still miss? What part of yourself are you proud of? And have your priorities changed? And what would your child recognize in the person you've become? That one's gonna sit a while.

SPEAKER_01 26:49

Yeah, that one when when you said that, I was like, wow, that's a really an interesting one to think about.

SPEAKER_00 26:57

Yeah, that's one I can't answer on the spot. I can't, I can't answer it right now because that's a deep reflection question.

SPEAKER_01 27:08

Well, I think we've definitely um we know, we know from ourselves and from others that we won't become the the person that we were before. And that means that we've we have chosen to survive something that's changed us forever. Our kids change us when they're here, and they change us if this tragedy happens. And neither chapter's gonna define us completely. It's the sum of the the whole of who you know who we are in any given moment. You know, I guess our challenge is to try to just give love and grace to the the person that we are today and the person that we're becoming. That's what we would want to give as a gift to others and listeners, and I hope that's what we give to ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 27:55

And we get to give that back to our children. Thank you for spending time with us. If today's conversation helped you put words to feelings you've struggled to explain, we'd love for you to share this episode with another bereaved parent. And if you're someone walking beside a grieving parent, remember this don't expect them to become who they once were. Love the person they are becoming. Visit us at the Don't Forget to Breathe Foundation to learn more about our podcast, support resources, and community. You'll also find ways to connect with other brieved parents and those who want to support them. Visit us at don't

Share Support And Closing Words

SPEAKER_00 28:36

forget to breathe foundation.org. Until next time, be kind to yourself and don't forget to breathe.