Gina's Story: Love, Impact, and the Unthinkable (Part 2) -E430

In Part 2 of Gina’s story, we move beyond the moment everything changed and into the long, complicated reality of living after child loss. This conversation holds space for what grief becomes over time, the loneliness that cannot be fixed, the misunderstandings that even well-meaning people carry, and the deeply personal work of healing.

Gina shares what it means to feel “Gabe-sized loneliness,” a space no one else can fill, and how grief work looks different for everyone. From avoidance and delayed healing to the life-changing impact of family therapy, this episode brings honesty to the hard, often unspoken parts of grief. 

You’ll also hear how love continues, through everyday rituals, through memories, and through the intentional ways Gina and her family carry Gabe forward. This is a conversation about choosing to live, about staying connected, and about finding strength you didn’t know you had.

For grieving parents and those walking beside them, this episode is a reminder, you don’t have to understand it all to show up, but presence matters.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:45

Welcome to Don't Forget to Breathe. I'm Bruce Barker here with my co-host, Kristen Glenn. This is part two of Gina's story. In the last episode, we sat with the life of her son Gabe and the day everything changed. Today we move into what comes after. What does it look like to keep going on? What does grief become over time? You'll hear Gina speak about the loneliness that never quite leaves, the moments where people try to help but can't fully understand, and the reality that this kind of loss is something you only know by living it. But you'll also hear about healing, about therapy, about choosing to stay connected as a family, and about finding ways to carry Gabe forward in everyday life. This conversation is honest, sometimes uncomfortable, and deeply real. If you're walking this road or walking beside someone who is, there is something here for you.

SPEAKER_01 1:46

Oh, you know, I remember my girlfriend Kathy saying to me, at three years is when you come out of shock. And I was like, huh, all right, you know. And seriously, it is a physical feeling at a three-year mark. And I don't know if I just had it in my mind, but it definitely was like a wake-up, like, okay, I'm I gotta get going. I gotta do what I do, I gotta love what I love, I need to move on with our lives, and we need to celebrate and bring him with us, you know, bring him with us where we go. I can't just be wallowing around now. It's three years, so what are we gonna do?

SPEAKER_00 2:27

Yeah, for me it was four. Wow. Kristen, was was it three years for you?

SPEAKER_02 2:32

I didn't do my grief work for a long time. I really just avoided it. So, you know, I'm probably a decade out before I decided, oh, I actually need to not continue to fill this void with children. Children, yeah, mammals to take care of. Yep. Yeah.

The Loneliness No One Can Fix

SPEAKER_01 2:52

So I did not, I was too scared to do that grief work. Um you know, just recently I was trying to explain to a friend that I'm lonely for Gabe right now. Yeah, I'm lonely for him. And it's like, what? I mean, it's it's like, no, I'm I'm lonely for what he would have brought to us. And she says, Oh, well, I'm here. If you're ever lonely, let me know. And I got out of the car and I thought, no, you don't know because just the way you answered me, you you're not understanding what I'm saying. Like, no, no, nobody's gonna unloonly me. Right. Right. I'm not gonna get unloaded because you you take me for coffee. I appreciate it. Yes, but it's not gonna unloel me. It's something I just have to figure out myself.

SPEAKER_02 3:35

It's only a Gabe size loneliness over. Yeah, those shoes are not gonna fill get filled up. Yeah, yeah.

Avoidance And The Fog Returning

SPEAKER_01 3:40

Yeah, but but my husband also said when people that we've known lost children before Gabe, you know, we would do all the things, bring the food, you know, participate, help, do weather the town is small, everybody knew when somebody passed away. And he's like, Wow, were we out of it? Like, we'd have no idea what those parents went through and what they were going through. You don't know it until you do it. That's right. There's no there's no feeling of it in any other way, there's no understanding it. So that could not be better said. Yep. Yeah, yeah. Did you have a physical feeling when in the four-year mark, or what just out of curiosity, how did how did that happen for you?

What Grief Work Really Means

SPEAKER_00 4:24

Physical feeling. I was kind of shoved into it. So I had not done any grief work either. It was avoidance, uh, it was pouring myself into into work and into coaching. And it was fellow coaches pushing me, trying to push me into a relationship. And it was literally a moment of I felt like the clouds parted for um what I thought was gonna be that they're the clouds are done. And so then that started a relationship, but then the clouds just came right back. The fog was still there, and I still wasn't doing the work. And so it was really hard, really rough for a very long time until I did start making the decision that I needed to do the work. And that was several years later. In fact, that's when I I started the podcast. Um, I had a couple of close people saying, you know, you really need to write everything down and you and you want to be able to share this. This could help people. And and I've said this in in previous episodes that I started writing my story and my feelings and thought, you know, nobody reads anymore. I mean, I don't. And like I'll just do a podcast because it was easy to get the equipment and then start it. And all I was gonna do was just speak it and get it out of me. And that was really my only intention of doing it. And that's when I that's when the work started. That's when I was seeking, uh started seeking therapy and really started diving in. Uh when the healing started. Started. Yeah, so that's when it started to begin. Yeah. Uh for me. So how how's your relationship with grief changed over time?

SPEAKER_01 6:08

You know, when you guys both, when you both the both of you said, I didn't do my work in grief, I don't know what I I don't know what that means. Like, I I what does that equal? Like that's just not it's so general when you say that, right? So, like, what does that mean when people say, Well, I started my work in grief? Yours was you couldn't write a book, you didn't really want to, you didn't want to write it down, so you start talking about it. But you really didn't know at the time that that was gonna be your work in grief, right?

SPEAKER_00 6:38

No, I didn't know that that's what I was doing.

Family Therapy That Saved Us

SPEAKER_01 6:40

So it's interesting because Well, we we went to a grief therapist right at the beginning, and she was an older woman, and we just happened happened upon her. She was probably perfect at the time. My daughter was in a really bad space. She was in her last year of college, it was really rough. That was a really rough time. We stopped going to this therapist and we were just plugging along. COVID hit, everyone's plugging along. My daughter said, You guys need therapy. And we said, Well, you need therapy. Well, no, you need therapy. Yeah. What does that look like? Like, right? Well, I tell people now that people don't want to go to therapy because they don't want to hear the truth, because therapy is true. Yeah. And you don't want to hear it. You don't want anyone asking you the hard question, so you don't go, right? So my daughter, I said, You this will be the last time you'll say we need therapy because we're going. My God is hooked up and we're going, and we're all three going, and we're gonna just figure this out. Well, my husband was like, you know, I don't know, but and I'm like, everyone be quiet. We're all going. We went and it was the best thing that ever happened to us. This therapist was young. She wasn't a mother, she was about my daughter's age. People would have thought, oh, you know, what does she know about grief and losing? Well, she knew a lot and she was hungry. She was in her young years of being a therapist. So she wanted that. Where maybe the first woman was tired. She was older, she was just going through the motions. But this young gal was hungry to help us. And she did. And the the one thing that sticks with me is she said something about boundaries. And I said, What do you? I don't even know what boundaries are. And she thought that was hilarious. I'm like, what are you talking about, boundaries? Like, what does that mean? If I have something to say to my daughter, I'm gonna say it. I I'm not gonna hold back. And she's like, but you know, you got to have boundaries. I'm like, whatever. Well, I kind of know what boundaries are now, but at the time, you know, you're like, what are you talking about? How can we have boundaries? We have to be open and honest and clear with each other because if we're not, we're flailing. And that really saved, I think that that therapy session was one year, and she graduated us without. She just said, You guys are done. You're great. You as parents, you guys have done this. You did a great job. We've done great all together. So she kicked us out basically. But um, my daughter still goes to her and does a lot of work with her, which is great. But yeah, um, therapy saved our family. It really did, because it was the hard questions and the, you know, dad, you don't talk to me. And you know, it's like, what do you want? What do you mean? Who's whose dad talks to their daughter? You know, who does that? Like it's not that easy, you know. So anyway, the therapy really changed us. The grief therapy changed us and helped us through our grief. And so we went from this docile, fragile, very fragile time to, okay, this is it. We're gonna get this taken care of. This is ridiculous. We're not honoring Gabe by shoving stuff down and not talking about him or talking about our feelings. He his personality would have hated that, right? I mean, he I, yeah, we had to do it for him. So we did and we saved our family, I think.

SPEAKER_00 10:05

That's awesome. I think that's refreshing. And I really want our listeners to pick up on this because it's so easy. I've heard it from different parents that I've talked to, to discount or disqualify a therapist before even talking with them if they have not, if they don't one, if they don't have children, and two, if they have not experienced the loss. Yeah. And so I think that's refreshing and a great message to get out there to sharing that that we don't probably, and I I can tell you I've done it, we don't need to disqualify someone because they haven't had the same experience. Right. When in your case, it made a major, major impact in your healing.

SPEAKER_01 10:46

It did. Yeah. It did. And and my daughter, I mean, my husband and I, we knew we were sticking together. We don't know what our daughter was gonna do. Was she gonna stick with us? Was she gonna go away? You know, that's where we were at. Yeah, it saved our relationship, definitely.

Carrying Gabe Through Daily Rituals

SPEAKER_02 11:03

Wow. I I just think I think you're incredible. And I think that fourth rightness that you have is it is so refreshing. It is so this and this doesn't honor Gabe. This is would not be his style. Right. He would be not happy with us to think that that through as we go through this journey. Yeah, you know? Yeah. What how does your love for Gabe show up in your everyday life right now? What is what does that look like? How have you decided to live his legacy?

SPEAKER_01 11:37

I I buy flowers for myself every week, and they generally include orange. Couldn't touch them, couldn't go in there, and it's not a thing you can plan. You just one day we were my husband and I were cleaning out some stuff, and one thing led to another, and I thought, what are all these beautiful clothes doing here? There are homeless people, there are young boys that could wear these clothes, and I gotta do it. I gotta do it. It's re he would hate this, all this sitting around. And he would love for someone to wear and share his stuff. He had beautiful clothes. He loved shopping at American Eagle, and oh my god, everything. He'd get his eyebrows done because they were big, bushy eyebrows, and he'd get them done, and he and he would be like telling all his guy friends, you guys got to go get your eyebrows shaped. It's really great, you know. I try to cook things that he always liked. He was told by his coach, basketball coach, his junior year that he wasn't strong enough to play varsity. And they were gonna put him on the C team. And he said, I'm not gonna play because I'm not gonna be on the C team as a junior. So the coach said, if you get strong next year, which would have been his senior year, I'll put you on varsity. He went for it. He worked out, he took one of his buddies that was picked on a lot and started having him train with him. He'd go in the morning and he'd go in the afternoon, and then in the afternoon, I would cook so that he would come home from school before he would go work out again, and he would eat and go work out, and then he'd come home and eat again. They started working out, being strong, real beautiful body. The track coach came up to him and said, We need someone that can do shop putting discus. And you guys work out every day, and we don't have anybody strong enough. Oh, well, he came home and thought he was the cat's meow. Oh, mom, the coach is asking us to be on the team. Like they want us. Being recruited. Oh, yeah, been recruited. So they were doing that and and just had a ball. So I just love cooking like that because he would come home and be starving, and and then they were watching their, you know, their intakes. So then we'd do salads with protein, and you know, and his buddy's mom didn't cook the way I did, and so he'd come home and eat, and it was this whole erigamorole. But anyway, I love to cook for him. I love seeing cars that he liked, this truck that he used to drive. I look for those. When he was in the hospital, I don't know exactly, but the monarchs were migrating, and I believe it was the monarchs, and there was this flood of orange butterflies at the hospital. And people would come in and say, Did you see those butterflies? And I'm like, Well, I haven't left, so no. And I mean, I guess it was phenomenal, right? So the orange butterfly is always a sign. We had orange butterflies released at graduation. They wouldn't give Gabe any space at graduation because the schools don't like to glorify death or glorify anything like that, just to protect other children, I suppose. So, anyway, the of course his friends were all, you know, bugged about that, and parents were upset. But I said, let's just do these butterflies. And no one has to say anything. We just release these butterflies, and that's that. So things like that, like the orange butterfly is always uh a significant thing, or any butterfly, really, you know, and kind of follow us around, and we'll be like, oh, that's Gabe, you know, there's Gabe. And my daughter feels very strongly that Gabe picked her daughter. She feels like that there's this thing that, you know, you get chosen, and she thinks her brother chose her daughter. So she's funny like Gabe. She does, she talks a lot, but you know, not putting in sentences. She's almost two years, uh, she's 18 months, but she's really funny like Gabe was and very precocious. And yeah. Not not that she replaces him, but just we just see some of that and try to honor some of that.

SPEAKER_02 15:46

It's just beautiful. What have you learned about yourself during this journey? Huh.

SPEAKER_01 15:52

Probably you don't know how strong you are, you know, but women are women are pretty strong. My husband keeps us together in a certain way. But as Cape's mom, I keep us together in a lot of ways. I'm I'm just didn't realize what I could do and how I don't know. You know, people will be like, I don't know how you do this. Well, I don't really have a choice. I don't I don't want to die. And I don't want to go, it's not like I, you know, people I want to be with my son. Hell no, I don't want to be with my son. I don't know where he is. And I don't I'm not ready to do that. He's fine. He's good. Wherever he is, he's good. I know he is because I know him. I know him, and he's making the best of wherever he is. So I need to just continue loving my husband and my daughter and our granddaughter and our life and living our day like it is the last. Because you don't ever even think of that until you go through something like this. And now it's like, we got the money, we're gonna spend it. We got the time, we're gonna use it. What do we do? What are we doing? Well, let's just live it like it's not gonna happen anymore. And I, you know, I hear people and talk to people whose children don't don't talk to them or they're estranged, and I think, what is worse? What what what is worse? Losing your child and not being here on this earth, or having your child on this earth and not associating with you. I don't know. I really I I I don't think I'm as bad. I I I I know where my son is. You know what I mean? I know I know how he felt about me. Yeah, I've I've I've become stronger and smarter and yeah.

Advice For New Grievers And Friends

SPEAKER_02 17:40

Wow, those are really, really powerful messages. I think really important for us to all really reflect on those. I would love to hear from you as we kind of close our time together. A couple things. One would be what would you want someone new to this incredibly difficult journey to know? And also what would you want people that haven't gone through this tragedy to know could be helpful to those of us who have lived it?

SPEAKER_01 18:09

So to your first question, just get up every day. Just get up and know that you're doing it for your family and for your loved one and be the fighter that you would be if they were here for them. Because we all fight for our children, right? Like the mama bear, the papa bear, however, keep doing that because that's what they would want. They would want that. And I know children's losses are not always I mean, Gabe's was an accident. Not that that was an easy loss, but there are other circumstances I know who have lost children in like much dire, dire ways. But just keep getting up because it matters. It don't it just matters.

SPEAKER_02 18:58

What do you want our listeners to know about offering like meaningful support? What what touched your heart, what was helpful, what was not? Yeah, just because people do feel lost on how to support.

SPEAKER_01 19:08

Right. And I and we went through that. I couldn't stand people that were in my face. Like, get out of my face. I don't want that. Don't push yourself on me. Ask me what I need. What can I do for you? A lot of times it's like, just be here with me. Don't worry about offending me. Just be here, you know, and ask the questions that you want to ask. You know, if you want to know about something, just ask me. But just be there. Just be there. You don't have to go into any dramatic conversations, just go for a walk, go for a coffee. And give people a lot of grace because they do not know what to say and do not know what to do. So when someone says something stupid, just swallow it and walk away. Because it's not worth dying on that hill or making a scene because they don't know what to do. They don't know what to say.

SPEAKER_00 19:59

Absolutely, right.

SPEAKER_01 20:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:02

So I'm gonna leave you with a question. One more. What do you want our listeners? They're all over the world. What do you want them to know about Gabe? You've shared a lot, but what do you want to leave them with?

SPEAKER_01 20:19

He was the light in our life. He was yeah, he just was every mom's dream. I mean, he just loved his mom. He hung on my words. I worked hard with him as a child because I didn't want him to be overly shy and be afraid. And he wasn't, he wasn't afraid. He wasn't afraid. He was fearless, and I don't know, maybe I overdid it. I don't know. But it was in him, it was innate in him. But that's yeah, don't be afraid, just go for it.

SPEAKER_00 20:57

Once in a while.

SPEAKER_01 20:58

That's how Gabe was.

SPEAKER_00 20:59

Gina, thank you so much for trusting us to come and share your story and your journey.

SPEAKER_01 21:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:07

And we appreciate it, and we know all our listeners appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01 21:11

Yeah. Well, I love it. I love talking about my boy anytime I get.

SPEAKER_00 21:16

That's awesome. Yeah. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01 21:18

Thank you. Thanks.

unknown 21:19

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 21:20

There's a lot to take in from this conversation. Grief doesn't end, it changes, it evolves, it asks different things from us over time. What Gina shared reminds us that healing doesn't mean leaving our child behind. It means learning how to bring them with us into the way we live, the way we love, and the way we show up each day. Her honesty about loneliness, about therapy, about family, and about continuing forward, that's the work. That's the real work of grief. And maybe one of the most powerful things she said is this just get up. Keep going because it matters. To Gina, thank you for trusting us with Gabe's story. And to anyone listening who feels that loneliness, that space that cannot be filled, we see you. So until next time, be gentle with yourself. And please don't forget to breathe.