S3/E24- Did You Really Just Say That?-Revisited

In this episode, I revisit one of the most talked-about topics from Season 2, Episode 9: Did You Really Just Say That?
We’ll reflect on some of the surprising, hurtful, or well-meaning-but-wrong things people say to grieving parents. I also share a few new comments I’ve heard recently from others in my grief support groups. If you've ever been on the receiving end of words that missed the mark—or if you want to better support someone in grief—this episode is for you.

Transcript

Bruce: 0:36

Welcome to Don't Forget to Breathe. I'm your host, Bruce Barker. So as I mentioned in the season three preview, I'm going to be revisiting some of those more powerful episodes from season two. Going to pull some excerpts out. We'll dive into those. But again, it's just going to be kind of that fireside chat just between you and I. Tonight, this is from the episode entitled, Did You Really Just Say That? This is about all of those comments, you know, that have been have been made to me and I'm sure have been made to you that um kind of make us shake our heads and maybe even have some internal explosions and and some gasps of disbelief of did you really just say that to me? There's been some new ones that have come along since um this episode aired. I've heard several different ones from the different groups that that I facilitate and and some of what other parents have been have been hearing and have and have been subjected to. So we'll dive into those after we come back. So let's jump into that conversation in season two. Did you really just say that? Because we're just gonna get really raw with this, because it's it can be a pretty raw subject or raw reaction to if we if we you know we say, okay, did you really just say that? And we've done it too. I know I have, have said, you know, when I look back and go, oh my God, why what what did why did I say that? And you know, trying to think of the right thing to say. So as we were coming into this episode, I had I had seen um several posts on social media from friends of mine whose children have died, and and it seems like some of them are in the first year and the second year and and at various phases, and they're posting, I can't believe someone just said this, or whatever, and they're and they're offended and hurt and and just as I was. And and so as I I reached out to them um to ask if I could share some of that tonight, I know what my reaction was when I read it initially. I I believe that as I point out some of this stuff, everybody's language filter is gonna probably go away. I mean, I you know, I've had uh and and I and I think that those, you know, those of you listening, you've probably you you've probably heard most of what we're we're gonna say tonight. And some of it is, you know, it's it's almost like a classic line, right? Well, they're in a better place. Well, no, they're not with me. Like, or I don't, they're not with me. There is no comfort in saying that, or you know, she's not in pain any longer. I'm in I'm in pretty much agony 24-7. So that's not a comforting thought. And then some of these, and and that's only I mean, that's only a couple, because it, you know, the whole over it thing comes up. Oh my god. Well, you know, as one of my friends had uh posted on social media and I and I asked permission to repeat some of this without obviously saying their name, but one where she was just I mean, she was just devastated. Her son died less than a year ago. In fact, it's I I I think it's like nine months maybe. And she's seeing her doctor and trying to balance out because she needs antidepressants and is trying to balance that out. And his quote as she was, you know, talking about it and just saying, and said he just it was real just hard and sarcastic, like, you know, well, I'm sorry about your loss, but we've got another chance to get this right, talking about the medicine. And it's like, really? I mean, and then he started to question her son, like, how was his, you know, did he have bad blood pressure and cholesterol? Because it was a it was a condition that something like that might lead to, but but to question that, like, what was the point, you know, of it was almost one of those, didn't you catch this kind of a thing? So I think I talked about in season in season one about not going down that road of what if? You know, which we do, and it's and it's really easy to do is you question because you're you're the parent, you're supposed to protect, looking at yourself as well, what did I miss? What did I not do? You know, and that's ones that that you put on yourself and and that you and that we work through in the grieving process, but then to have somebody else throw that at you. I I read a lot of her posts and we we private message, and I know that pain that she's going through, and and you know, and and it's it's really it's obviously devastating and really hard for her, every just as we know, I mean, every single day. And then, and then here's another thing that to mention along that same line. So her son was married, right? And so now, and we and we haven't you know really covered this as a you know as a topic, I guess, but now her daughter-in-law, who is young, because he was young, you know, is now lost her love, lost the love of her life, and has found herself suddenly, you know, suddenly a widow at a young age. So my friend shared with me that just this past just last week that someone told her daughter-in-law that they had a man for her to meet. And I'm like, are you kidding me? Like, it's been nine months, and as she pointed out, like the headstone isn't even there yet, and the dirt hasn't even settled, and someone's trying to set her up with someone, like now, I don't I and and she didn't point out who it was that did that, and so for my friend, not only is she grieving the loss of her son, but she's she's also grieving for her daughter-in-law, a member of her family, the pain and the grief and the hurt she's feeling, you know, she's that affects her as well. And and obviously she was offended and and cried and said no. And I mean, I you know, so another one of my friends who I just love dearly, in fact, she was there. We were working in the in the same building, and and I I know I mentioned her in season one, but um, she was there when I drove back to um to my shop after getting the phone call that Kristen had died. She knew Kristen, and she's the one that jumped in, and while I'm in just a complete fog making the travel arrangements, doing all of this stuff for me. And her son died a little over a year ago. So she shared with me today, and the and the one of the things that that she says happens often, right, is whether it's a text or they're at dinner or a phone call, and the question is, well, how are you? Right. And and I know when somebody's asked me that question, depending, and most of the times, when and just like she would typically answer is no, we're pretty good, thanks. Because do you really want to know how I am? Because if you got an hour, I'll let you know. But that's really not, but the response she's getting is what is has been really hard, where they've said, Well, it's you know, it's good to see that you're moving on. And I admire your strength pushing through and going forward. And in her mind, uh it's she translates it as, you know, well, good to see you haven't forgotten your dead son already. I mean, you know, it's it's it's like, and you will never move on. There is no getting over it. Um, you know, and this is the one where it's like, yeah, really, are you serious? Like, there's, and again, they're trying to think of the right thing to say instead of realizing there is no right thing to say. And that's kind of the purpose of this of this podcast, is one is all of us who have experienced this, we're just kind of sitting around having this conversation, just like you would if we all got together and we're hanging out and we're having a beer or a glass of wine, going, Well, you think that's screwed up. So then somebody told me that the other part of this is hopefully there are those listening to the podcast who have not lost a child, but are walking the path with someone or know someone who has, or maybe that it just happened and they came across this podcast and went, All right, I need some pointers. I need to know because I don't know what to do. Well, we're telling you, there is nothing you can say that's going to fix anything or really help anything, other than just making it known that you're there. That's it. You know, there's and there's there's other things that my friend brought up that that resonate in in different ways. One was her son was their only child, and and so then somebody comes up and says, Happy Mother's Day. You know, she's like, uh yeah, no, I'm not a mom. Or, you know, or then asking, Do you have any other children? Again, it might be like, no, we're not gonna get into this right now. And I think that I respect that if it if you're not in a place that you want to do that, you're simply I'm not in a place right this minute to have this conversation with you in this setting. So here's the deal. Because I I do that, and really I just kind of trust my gut. She's been asked, Do you have any kids? And then other things are saying, like, hey, can I show you pictures of my kids? Like, I don't really care. Or as she said, Yeah, let me see. Oh, they're precious, which she's saying, I'm just performing and I'm faking. And we've I've done it, yeah, to spare maybe that person or the conversation, or or sometimes, why do I want to engage in this? So there's multiple reasons that you can just kind of fake it and walk through it. So there was a lot happening at that particular time a few years ago with my friends, and they were very early in their journeys, and the things that people were saying to them were um were very impactful, as I'm sure they are when people say that to you. Some of the things that I've run across since then and and in this in these groups, as I've had more exposure to, you know, more direct exposure to different people and where they are in their journeys and their stories. Some of those that I've heard, especially for those that I know that have had miscarriages or their babies were nine days old, a week old, less than a year old, and comments that they've heard from people is well, you know, at least you guys are young and you can try again. That um I'll just let that sit with you because I I I know you've you've had a reaction to that, and and maybe if if your story is similar, you've had the same thing said to you. There's a uh there's more that have come along. There's actually uh there's a show on Apple TV right now, it's called Stick. Without, you know, without throwing out um a spoiler, there is a a character in that show who has lost a child, and one of the episodes uh someone said to this person who had had no idea, well, if you had kids, you would understand. I know I had a reaction when I heard that and saying something to the screen, not that that was helpful. And then obviously the characters did as well. So I think you know, that's another one of those that sure someone they had no idea, but it's you know, it's minding those words and just trying to to just be nice, because we we just don't know. We just don't know where someone is in their life, what they've experienced, where they are on their journeys, you know. I took out of that let's just be kind. I mean, let's face it. Friends, family, even acquaintances, they're going to keep saying things to us that hurt, things that cut, that feel uh disconnected or even uncaring. And when you're a grieving parent, those words can sting in ways most people will never understand. But here's the truth it's usually not because they don't care. In fact, it's just the opposite. They do care, but they just don't understand. They haven't been through what we've been through. They haven't been taught what to say or or even how to be truly present with someone in deep grief. They want to help, but in most cases, they don't know how. Um, an example is um a few months after Kristen died, I was in the greeting cards section um at a Target looking for a birthday card, and I noticed um this woman standing near the sympathy cards, picking them up one by one, reading them, putting them back. She looked confused. Um, I mean lost, really. I walked over and I asked, um, it looks like you're having trouble finding the right card. Um, can I ask what kind of loss it was? So she told me her friend had just had a miscarriage and she wanted to get something for her and her husband, but nothing seemed to say the right thing. And I told her, that's because none of them do. None of these cards will come close to saying the right thing or offering any real comfort. So she looked at me and she said, Well then what do I do? So I shared with her that my daughter had died just a few months earlier, and that if I could offer any advice, it would be this. Just get a blank card and simply write, I know there are no words I can say right now that will help. That I am here for you. Whenever you need me, I will not walk away. I will walk with you as much as you will allow. I said, That's it. Just presence, just love. Because conversations or even the avoidance of conversations about grief, especially the death of a child, make most people really uncomfortable. Um, these aren't everyday normal chats, and because of that, many people they'll just shut down or they'll say something that really misses the mark. Um and and we've talked about some of those things that people will say. Um as I've said many times before, one of my biggest hopes for this podcast is to normalize the conversation around grief. I mean, we live in a world where loss happens every day. And those of us who've lived it, especially those who've experienced the unthinkable, the out-of-order loss of a child, we need more than cliches. We need comfort. We need presence, we need understanding. We need hope. And then ultimately we need healing. So if you're listening and you're grieving, I hope this reminds you that you are not alone. And if you're someone walking beside a grieving friend, know this. You don't need perfect words, you just need to show up. We're just gonna wrap that up tonight, and there'll be more of these where we'll revisit some of the season two podcasts and take some of those excerpts out and talk about those a little bit. Uh, we have some parents that are gonna be sharing their stories. I'm just still going through some editing on that. Uh, that will be coming up soon as well. So until next time. Thanks for joining.