S3/E23-7,595 days

Nineteen years ago today, Kristen died. In this short episode, I reflect on the weight of this day—what it brings up, how I’ve coped, and the ways I’ve honored her memory through the years. Grief changes, but it never disappears. This is a quiet space to remember, to feel, and to share the journey of healing.

Transcript

Bruce: 0:33

Welcome to Don't Forget to Breathe. I'm your host, Bruce Barker. So this is going to be a little, it's kind of what is this? It's um, it's just gonna be a short little episode, and it's really just prompted by today. So just to date this, it is July 26th, 19 years ago today. I got the phone call that no parent should ever have to get. It was uh obviously as I as I I'm mentioned in season one, I mean, devastated. You're immediately thrown into a fog, you know, and it's because my life changed forever, because my daughter Kristen's life ended unexpectedly. And it has been a struggle. Obviously, for those of you who are are going through the same thing, you're very well aware of that. You're aware of that first day, you're aware of that waking up, you know, that moment right between sleep and fully conscious that first day where you're fraction of a second where you're thinking, oh wait, that was just a dream. And then it hits you. No, it wasn't a dream, it's real. And then you're you're dealing with it the rest of the time. Um, what I can tell you is early on it was very difficult for me. I wasn't doing the work. I wasn't seeking, I wasn't in, I guess, authentically seeking help. You know, I went to a couple of different groups and and those turned out for me to be very discouraging. I there was one group I went to in particular that there was a mom in there and she was describing, you know, her loss, and obviously just, I mean, just wrecked, just devastated. And I'm thinking, wow, this this just happened. And she came here and and was just, you know, barely able to get everything out. And then the leader of that group, you know, asked, you know, hey, can you remind me again? When did this happen? And she's like, it was 12 years ago. And I thought, oh, I am screwed. Like, it's never ever going to get better. What I can tell you is, it can get better. And I believe there can be healing. There's been healing for me from doing some some really hard work and um putting a lot of time into this. I think it's helped me for sure by doing the facilitating of the of the support groups as well. That certainly helped. But the professional help, obviously, was was really where it was. And and just some different philosophies and and and some of the things that I I got into and and started thinking about later on is about that healing, is the Japanese art of Kensuki. For those of you that are, you know, are not familiar with that. It's basically taking a pot, maybe, or or some sort of um dish that's been broken, and rather than throw it away, they would repair it and then add gold to it. Basically, it would make the vessel even stronger than it was before. But all the scars were visible, and then they were celebrated. And so that's what that's what I did. Uh, and that's how I looked at it. And actually, over the last three years, part of that, you know, when I was, you know, taking the little break from doing the podcast on Kristen's birthday, I was very intentional about going and going to a pottery place that I was aware of up in the mountains, and uh went there, found exactly what I was looking for. It was a leaf. I mean, I couldn't believe it was just there. It was it was there, and I and picked out the colors and started painting. And for those of you who's who've done pottery painting, you know that it's really just kind of a film over it. You don't get the rich vibrant colors until it's glazed and fired. I took this leaf and started in the center, placed a heart in there, and then just had all of the dark, rich greens, and gradually worked out basically a life cycle of a leaf as those colors faded out to yellow and then brown, basically a life cycle in general. And the owner of the place, um, of course, she could see what was you know, what was to be. And so she's she asked me, she goes, What what are you gonna do with that? And she goes, that is going to be beautiful. And I said, I'm gonna break it. And she goes, Well, you're gonna what? I said, I'm gonna break it. And she goes, Okay. And so I explained what I was going to do. So, you know, after it was glazed and went back in a week, picked it up, and it was. It was it was a beautiful leaf and a beautiful life image that we think we think can be. So I had this for a year. I didn't know when I was gonna break it, and it it was just there. It literally wasn't until her next birthday, a year later, that then I decided now's the time. And I went out to a little um hot springs out in the mountains and and actually stayed in a yurt, which is very cool, highly recommend it. And at that point, I I took it, I had it wrapped in a towel, and closed it up and broke it. I actually broke it with my grandfather's upholstery hammer that he gave me when I was just a teenage boy. Hearing the break was emotional and and impactful, and I opened it up and then I looked at it and just saw like there's there was my life. It was broken, it was shattered, and closed it up, put it in a a plastic bag so I wouldn't lose any pieces. And it sat. It sat again for another year because I I just had to feel it when I was when it was time. And it was actually this her birthday passed, and it was getting toward December when I felt this was the time, and then I started putting that together and and using Kenzuki to do it, and it was a very slow process. You're doing one piece at a time and holding it firmly together while the adhesive will set. And at one point I'm doing that, it was actually, I mean, it was the first piece, and I'm holding it, and I can, and you're wearing gloves, you know, you have to protect your skin. I'm feeling this pinch, and I'm like, okay, that's you know, it's probably a sharp edge. And then once it set, I opened it up, and then my hand and the palm was just bleeding. I thought, okay, that makes sense because it's gonna hurt putting those pieces back together when you're doing that work, and that's what I felt. I felt that hurt, and slowly got it all put back together. It is not pretty because it's you know, our my life isn't, and there's the scars and the gold that's there, and there's a couple of pieces that you know, little fragments that were missing, that there's just a little more gold in there for those pieces that are gone, but the life it's put back together and it's stronger. I'm stronger because of it. And I celebrate the scars, I show the scars. Um, I'm not ashamed of the scars. It is it's just you know, I'm stronger. I'm stronger now. Uh today was was uh I wasn't sure how it was gonna be. I mean, you know, some of you will uh you know, you'll well, I know I did. I'll put it this way. You know, for me on anniversary day, you know, for the first few years it was it was pretty devastating. In fact, my I would just get really angry. And again, at the time I maybe I didn't know why. I was, you know, busy with work and then suddenly realized what day it was, and it was just because my body knew it was holding that trauma and and just spitting it out with with anger. Over the years, I finally got to the point of being able to be intentional about what I was doing and celebrating Kristen on her birthday, and then on the day that she died, that anniversary day, not dismissing it and not necessarily celebrating it, you know, obviously, uh, but just acknowledging it and that it did not defeat me and it broke me 19 years ago for sure. But there's healing. So all I can tell you is, you know, wherever you are on your journey, and and I don't know where that is, if that's early on, if it's uh two or three years in or a long way in, there is hope, there is healing that can happen. One of the other things that I did, you know, as I came up, is I got um a tattoo. And and I had this one, I it was kind of planned, but some of my background is graphic art. So I did the art on it, and it's fairly simple, but basically I can describe it to you. Now, if you want to see it, I'll send you a picture. You can just send uh a request to my email that you'll hear after this episode's over. Give you the email address. But basically, it's uh it's a heart design, and it was the heart design I did for her headstone. And in the center of that is 7,595 days, and that's how long she was here. And then uh written beside that is don't forget to breathe. Which, again, if you go back to season one, you know that story, and I've been thinking about that story and that interaction quite a bit lately. So anyway, just a like I say, it was just a this is just a short little episode just to kind of acknowledge today for me, and I encourage you to acknowledge that day for you at some point it will be it will be a day that may no longer break you, that you'll be able to look back. And and that's kind of what I've done is look back today and celebrate her life, not being taken away, but what she did once she was here for 7,595 days. That's all I've got for now. Look ahead to some episodes coming up. I do have some more parents that definitely want to come on and share their story. I've already started doing some recording on that and just kind of getting some editing done, and and those will launch, and you'll be able to hear some other parents telling their stories, and I hope that that's going to help you and at least let you know that you're not alone. So until next time.